Las Juntas

I took the kids hiking today out to a place called 'Las Juntas' named for the twin waterfalls. Everyone had a good time including Moxie. When she saw the water she ran splashing right into it. This was her fist time in a river, or any water that flows. She's used to a lake or a swimming pool. She jumped in right above the little waterfalla and was swept over the side to the pool below. She climbed out, shook off and ran to do it again. Crazy dog! Here are some pics, enjoy!

The main waterfall






"Las Juntas" the waterfalls that give the area its name.


This is the one Moxie went over.


A few shots of the River.









Moxie Love!


Otter Dog


Throw the ball! We lost three balls because she couldn't get to them before they were swept down river.






I have tons of the kids but I'm not sure if they would want to be posted in their swimsuites. I'll just post this one, its my favorite from today anyway.

but who will stand up for me?

An insult flies in the face of all things sacred and of course, you have a right to be angry and defensive. It's good that your loved ones stand up for you.

But who is there to stand up for me? I cannot stand up for myself (it isn't allowed)

Will anyone ever, stand up to defend me, against the near constant onslaught of unearned insult?

If I must smile and make nice while taking my beating, can't you?

Why is it that the rules seem to be different for everyone else but me?

Don't feed the federales!

Poor Spooky took a good hit today.




It should have been a walk away case. Each person paying for their own damage and going on from there, but it wasn't to be. I wasn't in the car. This whole happening is my fault because I allowed a sixteen year old to drive my car, up the street, to a friends house. As to who was at fault, we may never know fully. Just the other driver and Meghin, both say they didn't see the other. The other driver had the right of way. Initially, the other driver wanted to just walk away, each paying for his own damage.

Thats when well intentioned parent of one of my other students made things more complicated. She insisted the accident was the other drivers fault. By the time I arrived on the scene, the man was no longer willing to walk away, he was wanting us to pay him more than $2,000 pesos in damages to his vehicle (My car got the worst of the hit)

Great. I don't have that kind of money. Meanwhile, the municiple police show up, but the stretch of road was out of town limits thus out of their jurisdiction. The state police show up and its the same story, this is federal highway. The other driver tells the police to call the federales.

By this time I am near tears. The first thing you learn as a gringo in Mexico, is don't mess with the federales under any circumstances. You will lose. I could just see my car disapearing under a mound of Mexican Tapa Rojo. Glad as I was that this parent was there for my student when she needed someone, she had just made our situation so much worse and didn't even realize it. She kept going on about what was fair and right, where I was more concerned with a reasonable outcome wherein I got to keep my car!

I was desperate to make a deal with this guy and get out of there before the federal police showed up. Meanwhile, the young girl who was driving was understandably unnerved by the inicident and highly emotional. She kept alternating between breaking down into tears and shouting insults at the other driver. Unable to get her to calm down, I sent her home. With her gone, I was able to get my boss on the phone, to talk to the other driver to make a deal.

Pato will fix his car. I will pay for it. He agreed. I just had to take him over to talk to Celia about the details. This whole situation was killing me on a number of levels. First, that I was going to have to come up with money to fix not just one but two cars, and that it was Celia and Pato that were saving my ass on this one.

Unfortunatly, I've been at odds with Celia and Pato since I had to suspend their daughter from school last semester for cheating, excessive tardiness, and disrespect. Suposedly, I was to treat her like I would any other student, and not give her preferential treatment because she was the daughter of my co-workers. That was the idea in theory. In practice, it didn't go over well. They felt I was un-duly harsh on their daughter. (Despite the fact that another student was suspended that day for the same offense) They felt I didn't help her enough. The fact of the matter is, Fani doesn't want to go to school. If she wanted to, she would. I had lifted her suspension and invited her back as a proverbial white flag some months ago. She returned for two weeks then dropped out again. Since the initial suspension, I had no contact with Fani. Her classes those two weeks were taught by completely impartial third parties, who all came to the same independent conclusion about Fani, she skips school, comes late, leaves early, is disrespectful, and isn't serious about studying. Be that as it may, I am still very much the bad guy in the eyes of Celia and Pato. Try as I might, things are still very tense between us. To their credit, they do all their namecalling behind my back, to other people. Sides have been taken, mostly theirs. Feelings have been hurt, mostly mine. But I'm still nice. I help Celia where I can, I am cordial with Pato and their family. But you can feel it, like a hurricane beneath the surface. Its all fake.

Meanwhile, My young student who wrecked the car has similar feelings towards Celia. I sent her home to stay. I was at the school with the other driver and Celia when she walked in with her friends. Celia made a remark about her driving and I had to physically pull the student off of Celia. She exploded like any hotheaded teenager already under pressure would have. I appologized to Celia and the other driver multiple times. Yet another situation where my kids embarrassed the hell out of me. (I still haven't found out which of the kids decided to throw their poopy toilet paper on the ground in the downstairs bathroom when they found there was no trashcan in there, intead of finding a trashcan and disposing of it properly. My boss walked in on that one and I could have died from embarrassment!) I sent my students home again, made my appologies and sealed the deal about the cars.

It has not been a good day. This situation with Celia and Pato has got to be resolved at some point. We can't continue to work in a pressure cooker like this.

Meanwhile, I have to come up with the money to fix this guys car.(My own car will probably be getting the plastic bag treatment at least for now) Roughly two hundred U.S. Dollars is the estimate. Might as well be two thousand. I have no one to borrow from and no reserves. I already owe more people more money than I think I will be able to make in my lifetime (at this rate anyway). I will be in the States two months over the summer. I need to get a good paying job during that time. I'm looking at boarding kennels that may need seasonal help. Anyone else have any ideas, I'm all ears.

Amazing how far a little appreciation goes

Well my bosses visit went well.

He gave he students a good talking to this morning regarding recent misdeeds. I've felt a little overwhelmed by these kids recently. I can't get them to come to class on time, do their homework, pay their fees, clean up after themselves, or not do drugs in the school. For pities sake you would think we were in the U.S.

I told my boss, and I believe this, the problem is right now we have the wrong population of students. We need to get back to our roots, go out to the communities where they are BEGGING for schooling and teach the kids there. These kids want it, but not badly enough to really exert themselves to get it.

So we are going to graduate these kids that really want the diploma, then go fully subsidized community classroom. These kids we will be targetting can't afford to pay for any sort of schooling, so we will be seeking sponsors from the U.S. I'm very excited as I believe this is where we are truly needed.

The kids we have now, while they have less and work more than most kids in the U.S. are quite frankly spoiled and lack motivation. Maybe Syl inspired something in them today, but I really doubt it. The one that needed to hear it most wasn't even there.

In any case, I feel empowered by it. He laid down the law. Now they know, any further incidence means expulsion, no ifs, ands or buts.

Meanwhile, he said two things during the talk that made me feel much better about everything in general. First, he thanked me for doing the work I am doing. Sometimes, its just good to hear. I'm not ashamed to admit I need occassional reassurance or I start questioning myself. Second, he told the kids that I could be used elsewhere, and I believe him. For once, I'm not questioning my place in the organization. I know I am needed, as long as I have the passion, there will be work for me here.

So nothing is really any better than it was before, but I feel better, and that makes a big difference.

Anyway, back to work!

Fish Farm Progress

Well we've worked three full days now on the fish farm and have made some progress. We have the frame completely up, and the drain installed and the floor poured. We just have to run some pipe from the river and mortor the walls, then build the chicken coop.
I forgot to bring my camera again today,but others have promised to send me pics. As I have to continue on with classes I won't get to help out anymore on this project. But I did alot, and have the sore muscles, blisters and ripped up hands to prove it!

If anyone wants to invest in a worthy cause, try the "buy Rachael some decent work gloves so she doesn't tear her hands to shreds when she does a community service project" foundation. My hands are hamburger from tying wire. Everytime I bend my knuckles the wounds break open and bleed, making tying something of an adventure.

My boss comes in town tonight for just under a day, EEP! For some reason I am anxious as hell right now. My heart is pounding.

We don't have any money, as per usual. I had celery for dinner. Seriously. I know every non-profit goes through the lean years before it really hits its stride, but come on, this lifestyle really wears on me sometimes. Every now and then, I miss KNOWING that when I turn a faucet on, water will come out. I miss carpet. I miss grocery stores and fast food. I miss Ice cream, alot, but I think its because its that time of the month. I miss being able to wash and dry all my laundry in one day. I miss my cats and my family. Just once, I'd like to turn off the lights not worried about rats! and I'm Really tired of a certain level of attitude from certain team members.

At the same time. Texas doesn't have these amazing trails and streams to walk Moxie and get away from the maddness. Texas doesn't have my kids either, or the communities I work in. Texas never made me feel as happy or fulfilled. So it's a fair trade really.

But still, I'm hungry, my fingers are bleeding, and I started today so I guess I'm entitled to a certain amount of grumbling.

The circle of life.

I'm so excited. Tomorrow we start the Flor del Campo fish farm project. Our consuting director s down from Virginia to oversee everything and I got to spend the day picking his brain about all sorts of things. This is how the fish farm is going to work.

A 20ft cement tank, 4 ft deep. Water piped in directly from the local river, with total changeoever every four days. Build over the top of the tank, is a large chicken house, with a slant wire floor. We will feed the chickens, the chickens will spill feed and defecate, all into the water. This will in turn feed the fish and the algea and phyto plankton/zooplankton that the fisth will eat. The fish will also eliminate in the water, and the water as it is cycled out of the tank will go to irrigate local farmland. To produce the feed, to feed the chickens. Its the circle of life, isn't it glorious!



The best part is, the fish farm is projected to bring in $500-$1000 (U.S. Dollars) a month initially in profit to the community. That is a small fortune in this area. And it will only grow from their.

We are going to start with Tilapia, then add Trout. Once we have the tilapia going, we can use the refuse from the fileting process to dry and mix with soy and alfalfa to make our own trout food (much cheaper than buying it pre-made). Finally, we want to use solar heaters and build a tank to raise large shrimp! The fish will be sold market fresh, or smoked. This little project ensures everyone in the community a job and an income. This is just the beginning. Several other communities across the state in and in other states are watching Flor, success means an end to poverty for more than just this one community.

When I get bogged down in the inane details and drudgery of this everyday life in Mexico, I sometimes lose sight of the big picture. I am a part of something so much bigger. This project is just what I needed to recharge my enthusiasm for this work.

So, we went to price chickens today, and they were just so cute!
The brown one is Thunder, and the White one is Lightning. Tom thinks they are both Roosters, so we may have a problem. But I'm hoping one is a hen. Come on Lightning, make with the eggs!



Finally, today is Thurstons third birthday. I'm sure he is celebrating by wreaking havoc or destroying something. The big galoot! He's ornery and he breaks things and he picks fights with the other cats but you just have to love him! As Mom always says, even baby Monsters need love.

Give an centimeter, take a kilometer (Keeping it metric)

I am a really laid back person. I get along with everyone. I don't have fights with my friends, I don't squabble with my room mates, and by God, I'm a nice person. Probably too nice. I'm very giving. I like to be helpful. In my life I have known many people who have seen that generous nature and taken full advantage of it. It happens alot. I'm too nice. I'm a freakin human doormat is what I am. But I'm tired of it, you know. I'm tired. So now is my time to stand up and say, no. No, Madam, I will not do your job for you while you take all the credit and talk shit about me behind my back. I have work to do too, you know. I am a very busy person. Running this school takes hours and hours of planning and preparation. There simply not enough hours in the day for me to do my job, and be your personal slave too. So get over yourself. Get off your lazy, lying ass and do it yourself! While you are at it. Quit coming over here, eating my food, running up our phone bill and taking up the computers during school hours. You are, hands down, the most inconsiderate person I know. I've tried, Lord knows I've tried to be nice to you, to ignore your rudenss, your backstabbing and you lies, to work together for the sake of the cause. But I don't even think you really believe in the cause. I think the only cause you believe in is your cause, the youcause. Poor poor you. Get over yourself. You and your lying daughter both. Someday, the world will see you both for who you really are, and I hope you get back every ounce of suffering you have ever put off on anyone else.

So kindly, F*ck off, jerks!

Huffing

I caught two of my students huffing paint today. I kept smelling fumes. I thought at first they must be painting at the construction site next door. For several days this went on. Each time I would get up and check on the kids, but they all seemed innocently engaged in something legal, so I chalked it up to the construction site. Today, I caught them red handed.

I was shocked to say the least. I mean, you always think you've taught them better than that, that they are smarter than that, then they go and suprise you by doing something so stupid. I told them as much. I made them hand over their paraphenalia and come downstairs so Nikko could participate in the impending lecture.

I told them that their behavior both shocked and frightened me. Huffing kills hundreds of teens every year in the United States, no telling how many in Mexico as I doubt that sort of thing gets recorded. I told them about how limiting oxygen to the brain can leave you with irreversable brain damage. I told them I didn't want to lose them, and that this had to stop.

I asked them why they did it? Were they bored (I could certainly find them something to do) Were they seeking a high? (Because a good run, or excercise of any kind will give them a high without the negative side effects) Or were they trying to escape reality somehow? I harped on this point a little bit. If something was bothering them, or hurting them, getting high wasn't going to make it go away. The high fades, the pain returns. It would do them both better to talk about whats going on. I care, I'm here to listen. Talking about things heals the wounds. Huffing isn't going to solve anything, it will just make things worse. I couldn't think of any other reasons why they might do such a thing, as I am not a teenage boy and therefore, don't think like one. This is something I had no desire to do when I was a kid so I really have no idea where this stuff comes from.

After our talk, they both looked ashamed and embarrassed, sorry that they got caught, not sorry that they did it. One of them was still denying actually doing the huffing while a ring of yellow paint still clung to his lips. I was at a loss. I let them go as it was time for class to begin. They both took off, and didn't attend afternoon classes.

I'm fresh out of ideas on how to cope with these kids sometimes. They get plenty of drug education. They know the dangers. For some reason, I can't convince them, that bad things can, in fact, happen to them. They all think they have some kind of super hero strength, they think they will live forever. How can I speak to them in a language they can understand and relate to?

So what are my options? Go talk to their parents? I hate doing that because they both have single working mothers, who are already doing the best that they can, and have admitted to me openly that they can't control their boys. I also don't want the boys to lose the confindence the boys have in me. I want them to come and talk to me when they are upset (Instead of doing something stupid and dangerous like huffing). But they can't think I'm going to go to their parents over every little thing. We made that mistake last semester. It did absolutely no good to talk to parents about behavior problems at school. I could suspend them, but really what purpose would that serve? At least if they are in class they are engaged in something positive and not on the street with nothing better to do than experiement with drugs. I feel really strongly that I need to address the underlying problem but I don't know what it is!

The boys did come back to the school about an hour ago and talk to me. They wanted to know if they were trouble, I told them they weren't. I was just worried about their wellbeing. They both assured me it would never happen again. That they wanted to stay in school and do something with their lives. They didn't want to disapoint themselves, their families or me. They both appologized and we hugged on it. I guess I can only hope they mean what they say.

Sometimes I think kids do things, just to see if anyone cares?

Rachael and Moxie the Intrepid Trail Mutt tackle the mountain trails of Mazamitla!

Moxie and took a long walk today. We got adventurous, veering off our usual route to explore some new trails! Enjoy the pics!

The trail head


Some of the most beautiful country you will ever see!


Moxie is ready to go!


Silly girl!


More trail


Pines as far as the eye can see!


Up up up we go!


Moxie the intrepid trail mutt waits for her slow human to catch up


Finally, we reach the top!


The view is breathtaking!






I'm laying on my belly in a foot of itchy pine needles on teh downside of the mountain for these shots.






Heading back down


Saw some beautiful flowers






Moxie stops to check her "map"


"We should go this way!"


Moxie gets the zoomies!


Back to the main road


In other news, lots of exciting things happening at the school. We are developing an expansion plan to include more communities. We've put up an add for teachers. I hope we get some good ones!

Taking the Long Way Around

I don't normally post lyrics, but I so closely identify with this song that I had to share it. It's off the Dixie chicks new grammy award winning album, "Taking the Long Way" The whole album is fantastic by the way. I highly recommend!


Taking the Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks


My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I'm back

Well I decided to just pull my head out of the sand, roll over and piss like the good little submissive that I am, take another beating that I don't deserve, and just move on.

I chose this life. I need to live it, and live with it. It means I can't have a life outside of my "professional" life, so be it. I don't care anymore.

Meanwhile. I'm back in Mexico, back to the grind. I have lots to do which is good. I may be getting rid of a fly in the ointment which is even better. It will be good to be back to something closer to the equivilent of normal for me.

And at least I will always have animals to fall back on.

Moxie is thrilled to be home. She missed the kids. She spent all last night and today just going from one person to the next catching up on her lovins! She is such a joy. One bright spot in a sometimes dismal world.

This valentines day is perhaps the first one ever, that I am not pining away for a man for whatever reason. I made valentines from me and Mox for all the kids and the two teachers too. We had a little party, then went over to the DIF to serve a special lunch to the seniors in the community. They had a huge turn out, I bet there were 100 guests! We served Tamales and Atole. It seemed a big success. Everyone had a smile on their face. Even the kids seemed to enjoy it. So I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm not with the man that I love on Valentines day. I have so much love in my life, so many people to share it with, that it just doesn't matter. I sent valentines to James and gave Mom hers before I left. Mom left one for me in my backpack. Moxie thinks every day is valentines day, and the kids all made me homemade valentines and gave them to me this morning. So sweet. I missed them as much as Moxie did.

Well, Hi ho, hi ho.....

Seeking position as a pooper scooper

No, really. I just want a nice quiet job where I can work with animals and shovel their crap all day, because I'm tired of shoveling human shit.

I want out of the people business for a while.

So seriously, any of my doggy community friends, if there is a kennel, or a day care or something that is hiring, let me know. College degree be damned. Give me a muck bucket and minimum wage and leave me to the animals. At least there I'll be respected.

Post from Moxie

Visit Moxie's Dogster Blog for her latest diary entry. She has become quite the little typist.

Just to set the record straight.

Just who do you think you are dealing with here?

I am a determined person. I work hard. I try to always do the right thing. When given the choice, I always take the high road. I care about people. I hurt when they are hurting. I work to make it better. I do my part to incite change. I'm a kind person. I put others before myself. I won't give up because things aren't going my way. I believe there cannot be change without sacrifice. I give more than lip service to my beliefs. I love and I love deeply. When the going gets tough, I get tougher. I never turn my back on my family, or my friends. I will always be there, when I am needed. I believe in a brighter future for our world, and our children. I will not close my eyes in the face of injustice. I will not walk away from a fight, just because I cannot win. If it is right, if it is just, it is my battle to the end, win or lose. I bend but I won't break. I won't compromise if it means settling for anything less than the right thing. I don't trust you just because you shook my hand. My trust must be earned. My respect is automatic, but can be lost.

I get tired. I have feelings, and I hurt sometimes. I have scars so deep I don't know where they begin or if they end. I have issues, we all do. I'm working on mine, how about you? I am lonely much of the time. I can't stand bullshiters and backstabers. I don't have time for fair weather friendships. I will not be your doormat. I will not give, when I cannot also take. Not anymore. I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep. There is no such thing as a small promise. I don't go out much, I don't like crowds. I don't waste my time on liars, cheaters and thugs. I will not be intimidated, or taken for a fool. I don't think there is any room in this world for hatred. I pledge to keep my mind open, but my heart guarded.

I am not a pretty face, an easy lay, a free ride, a target, a prize, a piece of flesh. I am a person, a good person. I have dreams, emotions, desires. I'm not a genius but I'm pretty smart. I like to laugh. Sometimes you even catch me humming a little tune, or dancing a step or two. I have my ups and downs, my highs and lows. I love teaching. It thrills me to help others learn about the world. I love Mexico, mountains, long walks and puppy dogs. I am a human being, and I have a right to be alive. I have a right to my dignity. You should respect me automatically, as a fellow human being. My life is mine to live. I live it with purpose. I have my share of shame, let me have my pride too. I don't believe it's my place to judge you, nor is it your place to judge me. You are entitled to your opinion, but don't expect it to affect how I live my life.

I am not going to bend over and take it anymore. I will stand and fight. I will fight with everything I have.

More Moxie

I promise, a real post is on the way, until then, feast your eyes on gorgeous Moxie.
Moxie if Dog of the Month for February on Ruffdogs! She's so proud of herself!

Moxie

Don't you just love her fuzzy little toes!


Crashed out after an afternoon of fetch at the park


Bless her she's so cute!


Mocha and Kobie, I can't seem to get a decent pic of these two.


Thurston is the most photogenic cat in the world, I'm convinced of it!

I love my kiddos!

Every Ruffdog has his day

Today is Ruffdogs Blog day. Ruffdogs is an online community of global dog lovers. This is the friendliest place on the internet. I spend at least one hour on ruffdogs every day, just chatting with friends, learning new things, bragging about my dog, and even shopping! Ruffdogs is my safe place, my little virtual haven where I can retreat each day for a little while and just relax with friends. Ruffdog members are of all races, ages and genders and hale from exotic places all over the world. Ruffdogs members are kind, friendly, knowlegable, supportive and helpful. I'm a member of several other forums, lists, bloggroups and sites but Ruffdogs, hands down, has the best people on the internet.

It also has the most extensive array of topics I've seen on any forum. Any given day, there are between 80 and 100 topics to read on Ruffdogs. From Health, to behavior to rescue, to dogs in the news and general dog chat, if it pertains to dogs, you can find it on ruffdogs. Beyond that, Ruffdogs even has a place where you can talk about your others pets (because how many of us just have dogs?) and a lounge area where you can talk about just about anything! Ruffdogs has an extensive rescue section, where numerous rescue groups from all over the world, post about their adotable dogs. Every month, Ruffdogs hold auctions to benefit one or more of these rescue groups. Ruffdogs members donate items, then bid on them online. Its really fun, and there is always some really neat stuff! Ruffdogs newest section, dedicated to BSL is fast becoming one of my favorites. Though I have to say, the photocontests are truly the best. I love looking at all the great pictures our members post of their beautiful pets.

Long story short, Ruffdogs is a fun, safe, family friendly place for dog lovers of all ages, creeds and colors. Go on over and say hello! You'll be glad you did!

Looking up

"If you don't like the outlook, try the uplook, it's always good." - unknown.

So I met with my boss/mentor/friend this morning and I'm feeling alot better about things. We talked about my frustrations and came to some conclusions. I'm so confident that this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life that it didn't take much to console me. Thats one problem down, anyway.

In other news, I am addicted to My Space I've only had an account for five days. I think this is some kind of record.

Today I just want to take all those people around me who are hurting and wrap them in a big warm hug, tell them they are loved, and they are worth something...maybe give them all cookies. I don't know. I just wish I could take their pain away and makes things right in the world. Sometimes it seems like the world is such a mess, that finding answers amidst the chaos is an impossible task. I must be careful not to get caught up in the myth of no effect. One person can make a difference.

Now about those cookies.....

More tough decisions

I'm back in the states for a few days for a doctors appointment. The night before I left to come back, I ran into a few of my students in the streets. "Whatever you do, PLEASE come back!" she pleaded. I wouldn't dream of abandoning these kids, but hard times breed harder questions. I am living with a level of stress and poverty that are taking a bigger toll every day on my health, my family, and my future ability to continue with this work. Bottom line, I can't keep going like this. Something has to change and very very soon or I will be forced to make that decision, to be yet another person who walked out of their lives, leaving them empty handed.

I don't want to think it. Its hurts too bad, but I've got to face all eventualities. If things don't change, this is one of them. I talked with my Mom for a good long time tonight, and she made a valid point. For every child that throws their arms around me on the streets of Mazamitla, and begs me not to leave them, there are a hundred more someplace else in this world, that need me just as much. There is a school in Peru that "would give their right arm for someone like me" or so I'm told. But I don't want to think it.

I can't just walk away. I can't. My heart and soul belong to these kids on that mountain. Do I want to help elsewhere in the world, absolutely! But right now, it's these kids, these families and communities. I can't walk away and I can't keep living like this.

I don't know what to do. Why must my souls needs and my physical needs be at such odds? Why would God allow me to invest all of my heart and soul into a place and a people that I would only have to leave? So much doesn't make sense. It doens't feel right to leave, it doesn't sit well with any part of my being. There must be another answer. What is it?

****updated to say

Through the miracle of myspace I have a rare glimpse into the heart of the teenage soul. These kids have been through so much, they are hurting so deeply. I can't leave them, not for any reason.

A note to parents. I'm not a parent myself. I've never brought life into this world. I've never had the pressures of clothing and feeding and housing and educating a child. But I have been a child. I know the crushing pain of feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted by my parent. I see children, everyday, who feel the same way. So a word of advice to you. What your kids need from you, more than anything, is your time. Tell your kids you love them. Let them know you care. Get to know them, they are growing up, becoming fascinating, wonderful, inspiring individuals. They didn't ask to be born. Whatever stresses that have been brought into your life is not their fault. The way you treat your children affects them for the rest of their life. Where are your kids? What are they doing? How are they feeling? Find out, care, love them. Every child is a blessing from God. The parents of my students are so amazingly blessed, and they don't even KNOW IT!

Friday Night in Mazamitla

Well the first week back after winter break was wonderful. It's amazing how much I missed this place and the kids, they're just amazing.

We are fortunate to have three visiting teachers here on loan from our site in Zacatecas for a couple of weeks. Anne and Nadja are Social Work students from the University of Basel, Switzerland. They are teaching our students intensive German. The kids LOVE it! They are just eating up knowing a third language. The classes are two hours long, but the students are just glued to their seats, soaking up every drop of the German tongue. Jeremy, is a UNT Alum in international studies and Economics, and he is teaching our kids Economics. It's AWESOME because they need this credit to graduate and now they get to learn from the expert. Also, Jeremy's focus is on Eco-Economics, which is right in line with the "green theme" our school is developing. He took the class to the park today and we drew Supply/Demand graphs in the dirt with sticks. These kids are so smart, they are picking up on this stuff really fast. I am daily amazed by their progress and their level of understanding. Think about it, these kids are being taught a third language, in their second language that they are still learning. They just eat it up. Its motivating as a teacher to see the kind of thirst for knowlege these students have. They learn with zeal, asking questions, testing the bounds of their new found knowlege, ever eager to know more, more more about the world they live in!

We are also bless with two additional teachers who will be with us all semester. Niko from New Jersey, was just looking for some meaning, and a way to make a difference in the world. Niko is a really cool guy, the best way I guess I could describe him is "on fire". I think I'm lucky to know this guy, he is going to do alot of good in this world. The other is a Social Work Graduate student from UT Austin doing her final practicum placement here at our Mazamitla site. She will be working mostly with our sustainable development programs, but being a native of Monterrey, she has agreed to teach Mexican History and Spanish literature for us this semester. I am very excited about these two. They are going to make a huge impact on this community.

Moxie came with us to the park for Economics today. She trampled on our line graph when Jeremy stood up with the stick he was drawing with and started gesturing with it. I think she thought he was going to throw it for her. It was funny, but I guess you had to be there. The kids played with her for over an hour. I think she's a little tired, she's been crashed out on the bed since we got home.

Well, happy weekend to you all.

An odd walk

Moxie and I took our ususal walk along our usual wooded path today when we encountered something unusual.

A burro.

All by its self wandering loose on the road. She approached us ears pricked and stopped right in front of me letting me pet and stroke her. She wasn't wearing a pack or a rope or anything. Lots of farmland nearby but I had never seen her before, just cows and the odd horse.

Hmm, I thought. Nice burro. I petted her for a minute then started off on my walk again.

She followed me. Right behind me. If I stopped suddenly she would bump into me. This continued for a bit. I kept my eye out for farmers or open gates or anything but had no idea where this girl came from.

So I thought, what the heck. I wouldn't mind a nice ride through the woods this after noon. But as I walked with her to a stump where I could mount up, I noticed that she was lame on her front leg. Her hooves were badly damaged and her knees knocked into each other when she walked. One of them was obviously painful to her, she would hold it when we stopped. She stood quietly while I picked up each of her feet and examined each leg. Asside from the swelling, I couldn't find anything wrong.

But she was clearly in pain...and clearly belonged to somebody. She was so sweet. And she had none of the saddle sores and abraded area on her back or legs or neck to show that she was actively being used as a beast of burden. (So many of the burros I see down here look just pitiful.) She was a lush chodolate brown with a velvety soft cream colored muzzle and big rich black eyes, and long inquisitive ears. She was so lovely. I would have taken her home with me in an instant but for the impossible task of loading a burro into the back seat of my Saturn ion.

So I sat on a log and watched her graze for a while. Not a sould passed by. Moxie whined, "could we get on with our walk already mom! I mean if you won't let me chase it, what good is that donkey anyway!" So off we went.

We passed by her again on our way and she looked up from her patch of clover and seemed to wave at us as we passed. All in all, it was a strange encounter. Perhaps tomorrow, we will go back up on the mountain and find it was all just a dream. Or maybe, she was there to tell me something.

I think that God speaks to us in different ways. More than once I belive he has sent me an animal messenger. But what was this burros message for me?

I've thought about for a long time, and I think, maybe she was trying to tell me that its okay sometimes, to be lame, to be hurt, to allow others to walk on their own, rather than carry them as you always do. Even a beast of burden deserves a day spent in the cool of a shade tree in a patch of clover.

Congratulations

May I be the first to blog my congratulations to Jamie and Wade on their recent engagement. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer couple. I wish you nothing but love, happyiness and success all the rest of your lives together. (A diamond ring beats a Golden Retriever puppy any day!) Jamie has been a dear friend for many years and I have known her through several boyfriends, and believe me when I say that Jamie and Wade are a match made in heaven!

While I'm sending out congratulations, let me add a few that I have missed in my abscence from the real world.

Congratulations to Marie and Kyle on their engagement! I promise to be there for the wedding. I wish you both all the happiness!

Congratulations Sarah and Kevin on your marriage! I'm sorry I missed the grand event. If I had it to do again, I wouldn't. I wish you both the very best in your lives together.

Congratulations Kim and John(I think) on your marriage! I am sorry too, to have missed your big day. I hope to see you soon and catch up. I still have your wedding gift all wrapped up and ready to give to you. I hope for happiness and peace in your lives (and a cat-pee free sofa)

Congratulations to Brandie and Matt on the birth of their first child, Joseph. He is the most amazing little child I have ever seen. He is also the luckiest, he has the best parents he could ever hope for. Love to all three of you.

I'm so happy that the people in my life have found so much joy!

Future Without Poverty - Poverty Has No Borders (English)

So it's been a rough couple of days. I've been pretty stressed out, overwhelmed and depressed. Even being back in Mazamitla has done little to lift my spirits. I was feeling pretty worthless, until, someone asked me, "what are you doing in Mexico?"

I went to our website to find a video link. I sat and watched this video five or six time and just cried and thanked God for bringing me here to do this work. Its not hopeless. Its a big job, but it can be done. One person CAN make a difference.

I don't like people who don't like dogs

I don't understand people who look at animals like, "ew, gross" These are not people I want to spend time with, but I don't have a choice. Hopefully they won't look at the poor people I work with and think, "ew, gross". One can only hope.


You know what else I don't understand. Drama. Human drama, the kind created by people who obviously have nothing better to do with their time that go around telling lies and starting rumors and spreading hatred. People like that are simple minded and a drain on society. Why don't you go do something productive, eh? Let someone who actually cares about others, do her job and make a difference in the world.


I'm having a bad day, can you tell?

A picture is worth a thousand words

My Beautuful Girl!



Thanks Emily for fixing the pic!

Post from Moxie

I caught Moxie on the computer and found this post in her Dogster diary. I thought it was cute.


"So Mom wrote all about her new years resolutions in her blog, so I thought I would make some resolutions and write about them here.

This year, I will not chase horses and I will stay off of balconies. I will swim in the lake and run with my friends every chance I get. I will fetch my tennis balls and squeak my toys with joy. I will go outside and go potty when mommy says, even if it's raining. I will love my humans with all the love in my little puppy heart. I will give kisses when they are sad, and I will play with them when they are happy. I will never let food go to waste. I will act as both referee and keeper of the rule book for the cats. I will nap in the sunshine, and I won't be scared of thunderstorms. I will live every day to the fullest.

You know, I don't know why you humans have to resolve to do things. With the exception of the not chasing horses part, I do all of those things everyday anyway. Its just part of being a dog."

I would do well to be more like my dog.

Tribute

A tribute to my cats. The players are Kobie the orange tabby, Mocha the brown Tabby, and Thurston the Black and White, with appearances by Tyler, brown tabby and Puzzles, Black and white, now in kitty heaven.

Make video montages at onetruemedia.com

No dog for me

Well after a long night of soul searching, I decided its not a good time to bring a dog into my life, for the same reasons its not a good time to bring a child into my life, it's too unsettled.

When I decided to pursue this work in Mexico, I knew that I was going to have to make alot of personal sacrifices. First, I've had to all but abandon my two cats, Mocha and Kobie, with my elderly Mother. Driving back and forth is great with Moxie, the easy going, car ride lovin dog, but the cats aren't so interested in Marathon travel. It isn't really safe for them in Mexico either. If they were to get out (which, with the way the kids are ALWAYS leaving the door open is really a matter of when) they wouldn't make it ten minutes. Plus there is the ever present threat of no real vet care available in Mazamitla. So personal sacrifice number one was giving up my babies, something I would never have done under ordinary circumstances. Pets are for life, I firmly believe that. I still support them financially, and I spend time with them when I am home, but they are essentially abandoned. They certiantly remind me of it everytime I see them. Anyone who says animals aren't spiteful, never owned cats.



So aside from losing my cats, which some might not see as a sacrifice, I've lost alot of other things. In many ways, I've lost my friends. Even my friendship with Syl has suffered from the lengthy separations. Its just hard to keep up with someone who lives in another country, and is so insanely busy, that odd email is all that keeps you connected. People have lives, they move on, and I end up alone. Granted, the depression went a long way to putting my friendships in terminal status, but the long distance divide just put the nails in the coffin. I come home for a few weeks, we go out, we have dinner, we see a movie, we catch up, and I'm gone again. Something I've always prided myself on, was the kind of friend that I am. The kind that is available. The kind that will drop anything to be there for a friend in need. Hard to do when you are 1500 miles away. I can't even talk to my friends when they need me. All I have is email. Not too personal. Not the best way to be a friend.

What about new friends, in Mexico, you may ask? Well, the language barrier is a real problem, so is the fact that I work 80 hour weeks, literally. I am always teaching, planning or researching. I try to sleep sometimes too. It's very easy for me to stay in the house all week long, never leave, and never talk to anyone my own age, about anything but the school. Moxie really helps with that, because she needs to get out, and she needs someone to take her out. Moxie gets me out of the house. My thinking was that, another dog, might get me out of the house more, and help stave off the oppressive lonelyness. And it is lonely. Easy to get lost in your thoughts, your anxieties, your pressing questions and deadlines, with no one to help talk things through with. Human interaction is so important. Its something I never understood until I was deprived of it. Isolation is a dangerous and terrible thing.

My lifestyle itself is a sacrifice. I have no time to take care of me. I recently vowed to make time to excercise because both I and my dog really need it every day. Last semester, I would go all day without eating. I just didn't have time. When I would eat, it would be rice, or beans, or vegetables. I'm sure diet along with lack of sleep and being overworked, are what contribute to my constantly feeling tired. I have to force myself through everyday things. Getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed, teaching, reading, planning, working, walking. Every little thing is a huge chore. When I am home on break I will often stay in bed all day, partly because I'm so tired, and partly because often I can't think of any good reason to get up. Maybe I'm sick, and thats why I'm so tired. Maybe, but I would never know. I had to sacrifice health care for this work. I sacrificed insurance. I sacrificed the peace of mind that comes with a regular pay check, with knowing you can pay your bills, and afford your medicine.

Finally, I have sacrificed any hope of having a relationship with someone, of falling in love, getting married, having a family. I can't raise kids this way. I can't tend to the needs of a partner in a relationship with this schedule. I can't even adopt another dog.

But its all worth it, I believe. Everytime I get infront of those kids, and watch their eyes light up with wonder. Every day I get to see them one day closer to a future without poverty. I get to be a part of a community on the move, out of poverty, into a sustainable way of life. I get to make a difference in peoples lives. I get to make the world a better place. I get to really do something important with my life.

There can be no progress without sacrifice.

Decisions

I've been thinking alot lately about my last resolution; starting a family. I've come to some conclusions.
While I know that I want to have children, there is no rush to do it now. I have 10+ good child bearing years left, and many more years to adopt a child, which I am equally if not more inclined to do.
I don't know that I want to create life, in this world, under these conditions. I mean, do I really want to risk my child inheriting my mental illness? My life is great, for me, but is it ideal for a child? Probably not. I travel too much, I don't have enough free time, I don't make enough money, I don't have healthcare. While the child would no doubt have a loving and stimulating environment, I feel I need a little more to offer before I bring a child into my life. So starting a family this year, is unlikely. I need to relax and enjoy this time, while I continue to build my life into a place fit for children.

Right now, however, is an ideal time to add a dog to my life. :)

Meet Chai and Skip. I have an appointment to meet them tomorrow. Moxie is coming with me to see if she takes a liking to either one. Even this, this small thing, bringing home a dog, scares me. Its a big step, an added responsibility. But in comparison to what I would be facing were I pregnant right now, this is nothing.

Being resolute, means being reasonable

My first resolution for 2007, is to be reasonable with my resolutions. No lofty goals, no pipe dreams, just down to earth honest expectations of myself, that can result in real change for the better.

My first goal this year is to improve my overall health, physical and mental. As with all reasonable expectations, this one comes with a plan of action that I can actually follow.
1) To continue to improve my mental health, I will take my medication, see my doctor and counselor reguarly, and follow their orders. I will take stock of my emotions reguarly. I will be realistic about my strengths and limitations, and ask for help when I need it. I will not isolate myself from others. That last one will be the hardest.
2) To improve my physical health, I am going to put myself on a schedual, for eating, sleeping, working, excercising, and relaxing, and stick to it. I will understand that snacking is inevitable, because I use food to handle stress, BUT I will make an effort to provide myself to sensible snacking choices, such as fruit and raw veggies, rather then salty treats and sweets, and I will remember to stop and ask myself WHY I feel like eating. I will excercise by walking every single day. I understand that some days these walks will be shorter than on others, but I will not let a day go by where I don't take the time out to excercise. I'm not going to set a weight loss goal of any kind, because loosing weight will be secondary to my primary goal is being healthier, with better energy and stable moods. With Moxie as my walking partner I can't fail. :)

Then I have several more resolutions that are less concrete. Things like making the most of every moment, smiling more, laughing, enjoying myself, dancing, celebrating. I also resolve not to take anyone in my life for granted, to appreciate my loved ones, and make sure they know that I love them. I resolve to be a better friend, daughter and sister.

I have some professional goals. I resolve to be the best teacher I can be. I want to bring the most relevent, interesting material into the classroom. I want my students to LOVE learning. I want to promote the school, bring in more students, and have three full-time PAID staff on board by the end of the year. I also want to be more involved with in the community, take a more active role in Future Without Poverty projects and by God, LEARN SPANISH for once and for all.

Finally, I want to take this year to seriously examine the possibility of beginning a family. I want to ask myself all those deep searching questions, find out the answers, look at the mechanics of brining up a child, get my life into order, and my health into order, so that my child has the best possible start in life. I want to look into international adoptions, or the possible of having a child myself. By this time next year, I want to be ready to start my family. (P.S. having a man in my life is completely optional, I'm not going to spend my life waiting for a man.)

Well, I think that about covers it.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2007 brings new beginnings, and joyous occassions to you all.

Run Free

Death seems to be the theme this season.

Don Antonio, elder statesman of Flor del Campo, lost his life after being attacked by a swarm of bees last month. He was survived by his wife, a women I had never seen without a smile on her face, until I held her hand at her husbands funeral. He had many children, but poverty has scattered them throughout Mexico and the U.S. His infant grandson had his grandpa's eyes. His community is in mourning.

I mourn as well. Antonio was a gentle spirit, kind and generous. He build his adobe brick home with his own two hands. He worked the land, raised a family, lived a virtuous life, touched lives. His rough, work worn hands were always extended in welcome for me, or anyone we brought to his community. I will always remember him, dancing at a new years eve fiesta, rejoicing when electricity was finally brought into his home, and beaming with pride as he showed visitors the new cement that replaced the dirt floors in his modest adobe home. When a team of college kids came to replace the cardboard roof on his home with fiberglass tiles one summer, he was up at dawn, helping to tear off the old roof, supplying the workers with nails, and old rusted hammers. The second day of work, we needed word to replace the roof beams. Quietly the old man mounted his horse and rode up the mountain. He returned hours later, dragging a tree he felled himself. With an axe, he and the other men in the village stripped the tree, and sawed it into planks for the roof. He was a hard worker to the moment of his death. He had ridden out to milk the cows in the frosty early morning, when he disturbed a bee hive. Over a thousand stings, and lack of transportation, roads, and a telephone meant he never stood a chance at survival.

His would be one of two funerals I would attend in one week in Mazamitla. Grief and Love are a universal language.



The next one to meet her mortality was Puzzles, my pet cat of 20 years. On my fifth birthday, my parents gave me a little black and white kitten, my first pet. I named her puzzles because she looked like a jigsaw puzzle, with black and white pieces that fit together just so. She was instantly my best friend.

Puzzles was with me through the death of my father, and numerous other pets. She saw me through my entire educational career, start to finish. She was there for every boyfriend, and every breakup. She loved me when I felt unloved, and she stayed by me when I felt alone. She was a beautiful soul, inside and out.

After twenty years together, we parted ways this morning. Saying goodbye was hard, but she earned a peaceful, dignified death, and the best way I could think to thank her for her years of companioship, was to give her the finish she deserved.

Run free sweet puzzles.



As for me, I am, as the blog says, a hopeless romantic in love with life. Finally free from my crippling depression, I have stopped planning my death, and am instead, planning my life. I think it's going to be a beautiful one.