Monday, May 14, 2007

Sadness

I'm kind of having depressing day. I think the finality of it all is hitting me. The vulturs are circling to pick away what is left of my responsibilities in Mexico. Won't be long before I lose my email account, and Syl loses my phone number. It just isn't fair. Life just isn't fair. I've worked so hard, for so many years, for so little. It isn't my fault that I had to back off now. I don't want to give up entirely. I've invested too much time, too much of my heart to just walk away. I had hoped to play a smaller role, for a time, and come back when situations improved. Deep down I knew that it wouldn't work that way. With Syl, its all or nothing. Since I'm not 100% in, I'm out. Its only a matter of time. I feel so completely hopeless. I don't even have the energy to fight it. This is it now, this is my life. Go to work every day, come back home, go to sleep and do it again the next day. Never really making any real difference in the world. Just waiting to die and leave a world who will never miss me, inconsequential as I am. I know, at the end of the day, it was me. It was my fault. I just wasn't strong enough to endure. And for that I am ashamed, but at a loss as to what I could have done to make the outcome any different. He always promised me he would never leave me, but even now, I'm a shadow in the rear view mirror. *sigh*

I don't have alot of hope for my future at the moment. The more I study for my GRE the dumber I feel. There is a very real chance I won't get into grad school. Even if I made the grade, I might not be a good match personality wise. I know my personality isn't the best. I have to work at being open and friendly. I have to remind myself to talk to people. Its so much easier to just live in my head. I've never been good at being social. But I think, when it comes to helping people, I'm different. Compassion takes over. I'm in my element when its one on one. When its about pain, that a language I understand. I can't help but wonder if I will be judged for my past history and my current mental health issues.

There is nothing wrong with my life now, really. I like working at the vet clinic. I have free time to spend with my dog. We can go hiking, we can take classes, we can make friends together. We can even volunteer together. We can help people together. I have my family, a comfortable home, a reliable vehicle, a decent income, friends (if only on a very basic level) Really, its okay. Its just not how I planned to live the rest of my life. Its an idea that will take some getting used to. I think this is what "settling" feels like. I've settled on a job, on a level of education, on the depth of my relationship with others, I could probably even settle on a boyfriend if I really wanted to. I remember a time in my life when settling was tantamount to death. I was so on fire. Now I'm just numb, and a little sad.

Of all the things I miss the most, I think I miss my friends the most. I need a close meaningful relationship with other people. All thats left of the last close friendship I had is nothing but tailights now. So I guess thats where I start. If I'm going to pull myself out of this hole, I'm going to need help. Time to start working on my interpersonal relationships I suppose. I've neglected them far too long. I just hope it isn't too late.

4 comments:

Panda said...

It's never too late in life to turn it all around. I think you are assuming that the way that your life is today is the way that it will be for the rest of your life. Life is not like that. It is always changing. You have no idea where you'll be living in 10 years from now. Nor do you know who you might meet in grad school. Or the type of life you'll have after you graduate from grad school. You just don't know. I got stuck in a routine where I was always taking care of my daughter and trying to make ends meet. Working each and every day, going to be exhausted and then getting back up to do it again. I asked myself if this is what life was about? No sooner than I asked that question, things started changing for me. 5 years later, I'm here in Mexico living a completely different life than when I asked that question in California. Just something to think about. Anything is possible. Have faith and never lose hope. You are a piece of God. We all are. There is a part of you that is divine and good. Whether or not you believe it or not. On days you feel unworthy, think of your divine connection and know that you are loved and valued. We all are. Each of your souls are accounted for. We are all connected to my friend. So if you cannot make the stretch that God loves you. Then know as your friend, I love and care about you.

Anonymous said...

Reading this makes me angry.

Only people who are using you speed off and leave you in the dust. Pinche mamon. F*ck him. You are too good for all of it. I wish you saw the future that I see for you. You are still young and have plenty of time to do what you want with your life. I hope that you see that. I pray (and I am definitely not the praying type) that you can find the courage to walk away and not look back.

Juanita

Saint Lover said...

Rachael you have so much to offer the world.. even though you dont see it when you look in the mirror. Usually the people that do the most for others cant. Working at the vet clinic, alhough doesnt seem exciting and fullfilling on a day to day basis is one of the greatest gifts you can give. You are helping loving owners save and keep their beloved companions well. I think that is just awesome.

You dont have to live in poverty and squallor to make a difference.

I wish you lived near me, because I know we would be great friends. Chin up honey. You Rock!

Debra Kay said...

I feel a lot of what you are feeling-I'm leaving Dallas after 20 (omigod 20) years-and I'm taking very little of the material things with me. It's actually more economical to buy new stuff with free shipping than it is to pay someone to haul my current stuff. So what does that say about our STUFF?

But I also have 20 years of experience and life that is my own creation. I did that-I LIVED that 20 years, and it's mine.

Unless you are very lucky, we all have to work to pay for the day to day. It isn't a short coming to take care of yourself-I'm just grateful that I can.

I never would have guessed in a million years that I would willingly chuck it all and return to Oklahoma to make a few little old people's (and mine) lives easier-but right now that is more important than any kudos I might get from the office. You are living your own set of choices, and in order to have the new you have to let go of the old.

What really matters are the marks you leave on other people's hearts-and maybe some of the things you have taught others will come back to them one day when they need it. Rest easy tonight my friend.