Sadness

I'm kind of having depressing day. I think the finality of it all is hitting me. The vulturs are circling to pick away what is left of my responsibilities in Mexico. Won't be long before I lose my email account, and Syl loses my phone number. It just isn't fair. Life just isn't fair. I've worked so hard, for so many years, for so little. It isn't my fault that I had to back off now. I don't want to give up entirely. I've invested too much time, too much of my heart to just walk away. I had hoped to play a smaller role, for a time, and come back when situations improved. Deep down I knew that it wouldn't work that way. With Syl, its all or nothing. Since I'm not 100% in, I'm out. Its only a matter of time. I feel so completely hopeless. I don't even have the energy to fight it. This is it now, this is my life. Go to work every day, come back home, go to sleep and do it again the next day. Never really making any real difference in the world. Just waiting to die and leave a world who will never miss me, inconsequential as I am. I know, at the end of the day, it was me. It was my fault. I just wasn't strong enough to endure. And for that I am ashamed, but at a loss as to what I could have done to make the outcome any different. He always promised me he would never leave me, but even now, I'm a shadow in the rear view mirror. *sigh*

I don't have alot of hope for my future at the moment. The more I study for my GRE the dumber I feel. There is a very real chance I won't get into grad school. Even if I made the grade, I might not be a good match personality wise. I know my personality isn't the best. I have to work at being open and friendly. I have to remind myself to talk to people. Its so much easier to just live in my head. I've never been good at being social. But I think, when it comes to helping people, I'm different. Compassion takes over. I'm in my element when its one on one. When its about pain, that a language I understand. I can't help but wonder if I will be judged for my past history and my current mental health issues.

There is nothing wrong with my life now, really. I like working at the vet clinic. I have free time to spend with my dog. We can go hiking, we can take classes, we can make friends together. We can even volunteer together. We can help people together. I have my family, a comfortable home, a reliable vehicle, a decent income, friends (if only on a very basic level) Really, its okay. Its just not how I planned to live the rest of my life. Its an idea that will take some getting used to. I think this is what "settling" feels like. I've settled on a job, on a level of education, on the depth of my relationship with others, I could probably even settle on a boyfriend if I really wanted to. I remember a time in my life when settling was tantamount to death. I was so on fire. Now I'm just numb, and a little sad.

Of all the things I miss the most, I think I miss my friends the most. I need a close meaningful relationship with other people. All thats left of the last close friendship I had is nothing but tailights now. So I guess thats where I start. If I'm going to pull myself out of this hole, I'm going to need help. Time to start working on my interpersonal relationships I suppose. I've neglected them far too long. I just hope it isn't too late.